The fellowship is almost over! There are only three weeks left. This week I spent some time doing hard labor in the gardens. I did this last week too. The other garden work was hard but tilling is something else. Pushing a mower is difficult for me too. But all of this is tremendously joyous, and I have not had the needed structure to attend physical therapy, so I am grateful for the paid exercise. I surprise myself sometimes with what I find myself able to do. Other days I find myself realizing I easily surpass my limits and pay for it over several days. I will likely volunteer time every now and then to help maintain these gardens. I have become attached and their existence benefits me. One of the youths keep coming and doing this work too! I am so proud of her. I am amazed at her work ethic and willingness to try everything we harvest. I love when she shares with us what she has going on in her life. I laugh when I see her nervously try the raw vegetables and herbs. She is so brave we had to stop her from eating random berries from a tree from another garden we visited. They likely aren’t edible – ha! I get to watch her facial expressions during these taste tests. Watching people’s facial expressions when they are exploring outside of their comfort zone is such a pleasure! I would like to see more consistency from the other youth, but I am proud they attend at all. They have other things going on in their life and Cultivate has a small budget. If they had larger monetary incentives, I have no doubt they would show up more. At least they are not quitting altogether. Today I did a home visit to check up with a resident Cultivate is helping navigate social service programs. I am thankful he trusted me with his sensitive and personal information. I am inspired by his perseverance and was able to relate to some of his struggles. I would share more but wish to keep his identity private since I did not ask for his permission to share. See below for some garden photos.

I feel very accomplished this week, but my hamstrings are sore. My butt is sore. My back is sore. My anxiety is rampant. I am often mentally and physically exhausted. I do what I need to recover but working like this is not sustainable. I rarely fully recover. I am glad to be in the the fellowship and more excited that it is almost over! I will now share a little about my work history, privileges, and experience using welfare. I love to talk about myself and I honestly hope readers learn something new or find validation.

I used to only work part time. This is due to chronic pain, mental illness, and neurodivergence. My last two jobs were moderately sedentary. Most recently, I got to lie down for most of the job and my clients came to me when they needed something. Most days I would be in a semi-private room in two clients’ home, and I always communicated that they simply come to me when they require help. I would review with them on how to do that sometimes, and occasionally check in with them, but for the most part, I could be alone. Because I was part time second shift, the other service providers did most of the social outings with our consumers. This meant less driving for me and less noise and groups of people. I easily get over-stimulated.

Most of the hard work for me was taking my clients to the grocery store, to and/or from work, and the days where I accompanied someone to kung fu and back. Sitting down for long periods of time and walking a lot significantly increases my pain. Most other movement I can do to a variable/relative degree that is less than a typical employee. While I have worked part time since 2014, the rest of my income has been supplemented with social security disability insurance (SSDI) monies.

Before I quit my last job this year, I lost nearly half of my projected yearly income. I got about $8000/year from SSDI. That is approximate because it fluctuates every year. The Social Security Administration (SSA) proclaimed that I am no longer disabled. Hooray, I am miraculously healed, or society has just become accessible. Just kidding. I lost my SSDI because the SSA is an inequitable government entity. During my appeals, which I am still going through (thank you Equality Ohio for representing traumatized queers!), I was still collecting. Now I must pay back my $6000 because my first re-determination of disability I lost.

Thankfully, I have the privilege of knowing how to advocate for myself and hunt for resources. I am on the FCC’s Affordable Connectivity Program. The Reeb Avenue Center (through MOFC) provides free and delicious weekday meals and has a few employees who have become cheerleaders for me. I find community here too even though I make my visits short. I have a sister who has helped me build my credit score as soon as I turned 18. My credit score is 800. I have a mother who pays for my phone bill. I have connections in school like a great mentor and a great work supervisor. I have supportive friends who give emotional, informational, esteem, and tangible supports. They even helped me buy a dryer so I wouldn’t have to use my energy going to a laundromat. I have friends who had a roommate opening for $293.33 a month, and utilities can be split by us three. I have also been able to stay on Medicaid which means I get my meds, doctor visits, and cognitive behavioral therapy paid for. I also get about $200 worth of SNAP (food stamps) for groceries. I am highly capable and adaptable too. I wouldn’t be here without others. Life is not bad. I have been very unsettled in the past year and a half due to uncertainty, but I have hit rock bottom before and won’t ever go back. Being a suicide survivor, for those who learn to reframe and open perspectives, can be a huge life motivator. I also got a promotion working as a federal work study student this year. I became an actual employee at CSCC, and my wage got a bump to $17.52 an hour. I quit my previous job so I could join this fellowship. Almost $16 an hour. I have been told that fellows are highly valued assets in organizations.

As a “disabled” worker (I’m just differently abled like everyone else), when you’re on SSDI, monthly income isn’t supposed to go over $1310. That’s the legal income limit if you want to keep your SSDI. Your benefit check is a strange formulation that factors in previous job earnings. Even if you never surpass the limit, which I never did, it’s the SSA – they don’t care about how your disability affects your life. In fact, living your life is evidence used against you. Pro tip for anyone struggling with SSDI. Do not frame anything as positive in your life and keep all details minimal as possible. They need to see you worthless. My Medicare has been taken as well. The system is antiquated and underfunded. It is too difficult to take risks when you have a disability and need the welfare. I have had to quit jobs because they were inaccessible and inequitable. Some jobs I wouldn’t even consider because I would lose my benefits and ultimately bring in less income.

This year, my income will increase further, and I get to dance with the almighty benefits cliff again. I will lose my Medicaid and SNAP benefits. One of the ways I cope with all of my stress is my new daily meditation practice. I am in a mindfulness based cognitive therapy group and we meet for two hours every Tuesday. As part of the therapy, we have multiple mindfulness practices that we try to do every day and we report what we notice during our sessions. I would not be able to attend this therapy or my cognitive-behavioral therapy if I wasn’t enrolled in Medicaid. I couldn’t afford it. I typically make around $12,000-$14,000 from wages. I am thankful for any Pell Grant money I get from attending CSCC. Going to school isn’t something the SSA supports either. It’s another strike. Disabled people are not supposed to learn. My recent increase in wages and my grant money is great, but it is not enough to pay for proper healthcare coverage. Medicaid? Annual salary must be $18,075 and below.  I will lose my SNAP benefits as well. SNAP pays for my food. To be eligible for SNAP benefits, a yearly gross salary must stay under $17,667. I am worried but I know my future is bright. I have amazing connections and even more privileges like being tall and white. My chances of getting hired are increased for these reasons. What’s more, I easily pass as cisgender and heteronormative when I wear masculine clothing and my bisexuality can’t always be seen. I know all about the food pantries to save money. CSCC has programs that help me when I’m not on break. But I’m still struggling, and I know there are others in similar positions. People go through seemingly far worse. I hope sharing about my difficulties in the fellowship can help make it more accessible. I also know that sharing my story can help others understand that people are not out here abusing the welfare systems. First, we pay to use them, and secondly, they do not currently exist to lift us out of poverty but to keep us in poverty. The non-profit world can sometimes fill in the gaps, but I wish to see them push for new systems instead of supporting the ones in place. I hope the fellowship recruits more people like me and others with different barriers and pushes their fellows more to challenge the Foundation and non-profit world.

Thanks for reading.